If you've heard the words "attachment and cocooning" then you probably know someone who adopted or is adopting. For everyone else, "attachment and cocooning" are probably foreign words that are about to become important, especially if you are a member of our sweet community.
God’s design is PERFECT! The parent-child bond is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. In God's PERFECT design, at the very onset of life, a cycle begins in which a baby feels a need (ie. for food or a dry diaper) and so he cries. A loving caregiver (mom/dad) hears the cry and immediately meets the need. With repetition, the baby learns that he can trust the caregiver...that when he cries, his need is met. That repetition builds trust which builds attachment. The more the baby lives through this healthy cycle, the stronger the healthy, secure attachment grows.
That seems obvious, doesn't it?
But, in adoption, that cycle is broken. A baby may cry but his caregiver may not be able to meet the need. There may not be enough food. Or perhaps the caregiver is absent. And so the cycle is broken, the trust is not built, and attachment is not made. If this cycle continues to be broken, it will lead to attachment disorders.
In a child that has been abandoned, relinquished, or institutionalized, this cycle may have been broken, re-started, and broken again many times. Even in a best case adoption scenario, this cycle will still be broken. When we pick up our Little Squishes we will have to start the cycle again, this time with us as the caregivers. This is what people refer to in adoption when they are talking about "attachment." They are talking about rebuilding the attachment process.
Now, let's talk about what it looks like, in a practical sense, to build healthy attachment. Surely, it's more than just feeding the baby and changing its diaper. Yes, it is! Babies are held, sometimes all day long. (touch, proximity) They are stared at in amazement and wonder. (eye contact) They are cooed at and tickled. (mimicry, face time, eye contact, touch, mutual enjoyment) They are snuggled, bathed, and massaged. (sensory stimulation, proximity, touch) All of these activities stimulate attachment. And of course, there's so much more. As mom and dad are studying their baby and getting to know his personality, likes/dislikes, etc., the baby is learning all about mom and dad, what they smell like, sound like, look like, feel like. All that time and intimacy builds attachment. Without realizing it, mom, dad, and baby are cycling through the attachment cycle over and over and over again. It's natural in its progression. Everyone expects these activities and the adorably obscene amounts of time new parents spend doing them. We did it too!
This is NOT what our Little Squishes have experienced. They may have experienced some of it in their village and some of it at Hannah's Hope, but they have experienced almost none of it with us...YET! We need time...and lots of it! We need time to hold them, time to feed them, time to bathe them, time to dress them, time to respond to their cries, time to gaze into their eyes and have them gaze into ours, time to play with them, and time to do all those other things that help us run through that cycle with them...over and over and over again. The very best way for us to get this time is to stay home. This is what people refer to when they say "cocooning" in adoption. Cocooning is the time we devote to just being together so that we can form new family bonds...so that we can cycle and cycle and cycle and build healthy attachments. Think of it as an adoption ICU. Our Squishes will be hurting deeply. We need a place to dress their wounds, administer the medication of love and grace, and take time to rest and rehabilitate. And we need to do all of this with dignity, which equates to privacy.
In our busy world, taking time to just stay home and do nothing but attachment rituals will not just happen by itself. We must be intentional about it. So, here's our plan and how you can help.
What we will do:
1. Stay home for as long as it takes for our Squishes to recognize us as mom and dad, not just some other people who feed them and then leave. We expect this to take no less than three months. Once we see the first signs that they recognize us exclusively as mom and dad, we will carefully and slowly take them places, starting with very calm places with not too many people. (Yes, this means we will not be bringing them to church or swim meets for a few months.)
2. Sleep with our Squishes until they sleep peacefully which is a sign that they are no longer afraid we will be gone when they wake up. (Yes, we will be tired. It's worth it.)
3. Be the sole providers of their needs. This means Chris and I will be the only ones feeding them, bathing them, and holding them. This part will require a lot from us and from you because unlike with Joshua, we will not be sharing the load. If we allow other people to feed them, etc., it is likely to cause confusion in our Squishes. We are trying to teach them that mom and dad are the only ones to trust intimately. No one else gets that intimate role. This is crucial! We would rather over-do this than risk the consequences of not getting this one right.
4. Hold them, a lot! This means that I will "wear" Baby Squish for as many hours in a day as I can. (Thank you Tracy Hubbard for loaning me an Ergo. And Thank you Cammi Funk for letting me try your Moby. Ahh...so much has changed for the better since Joshua was a baby.) And I will try to keep Big Squish within 5-10 feet of me all day long. Admittedly, this one will be harder but by staying home, it should be possible.
5. Invite friends over in ones and twos so our Squishes can meet people slowly, gently, and on their own "turf." We are excited about this part and hope you are too.
What you can do:
1. Please don't excessively touch them, hold them, or try to feed them. Instead, try blowing kisses and giving High Fives which are completely appropriate expressions of affection. Of course, this will take a huge amount of self-denial on your part. I know you'll want to hold them -- they are adorable! And of course you'll want to feed them because that would help me and you love me. But, hopefully, by now you can see that by doing these things, you will actually make things harder for me, not help me. I promise, I understand how hard this is and the huge sacrifice you are making when you honor this request. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
2. Please be patient. If you come knocking on our door, don't be surprised if I just stand and talk and don't invite you in.... yet! Give us time to build this attachment, then you can enjoy our Squishes as much as we do.
3. If you are around when one of our Squishes gets hurt or hungry and asks for help, please direct them to us, instead of helping them immediately. By directing them to us, you are joining our efforts in teaching them that we are their intimate providers of all that they need. I will hug you and pray God's blessings upon you if you do this for us.
4. Don't forget us. Voluntary house arrest is going to be hard. But emails, phone calls, and mochas left on our doorstep are miraculous mood boosters.
5. Ask questions. While I respect those couples who want to keep their adoption journey private, we aren't them. We love talking about adoption, our journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. We love our community and want you to be a part of this too....you are already so this is just making it official. Please ask about attachment and cocooning. I promise, we won't get offended easily.
6. Lastly, and this is optional, if you really want to learn about attachment and cocooning, you could read our favorite resource, "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karyn Purvis. We read a ton about attachment and this one is the best. It would be beneficial for bio parents too. It's an easy read and quite enjoyable.
God’s design is PERFECT! The parent-child bond is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. In God's PERFECT design, at the very onset of life, a cycle begins in which a baby feels a need (ie. for food or a dry diaper) and so he cries. A loving caregiver (mom/dad) hears the cry and immediately meets the need. With repetition, the baby learns that he can trust the caregiver...that when he cries, his need is met. That repetition builds trust which builds attachment. The more the baby lives through this healthy cycle, the stronger the healthy, secure attachment grows.
 |
| Taken from Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family |
That seems obvious, doesn't it?
But, in adoption, that cycle is broken. A baby may cry but his caregiver may not be able to meet the need. There may not be enough food. Or perhaps the caregiver is absent. And so the cycle is broken, the trust is not built, and attachment is not made. If this cycle continues to be broken, it will lead to attachment disorders.
In a child that has been abandoned, relinquished, or institutionalized, this cycle may have been broken, re-started, and broken again many times. Even in a best case adoption scenario, this cycle will still be broken. When we pick up our Little Squishes we will have to start the cycle again, this time with us as the caregivers. This is what people refer to in adoption when they are talking about "attachment." They are talking about rebuilding the attachment process.
Now, let's talk about what it looks like, in a practical sense, to build healthy attachment. Surely, it's more than just feeding the baby and changing its diaper. Yes, it is! Babies are held, sometimes all day long. (touch, proximity) They are stared at in amazement and wonder. (eye contact) They are cooed at and tickled. (mimicry, face time, eye contact, touch, mutual enjoyment) They are snuggled, bathed, and massaged. (sensory stimulation, proximity, touch) All of these activities stimulate attachment. And of course, there's so much more. As mom and dad are studying their baby and getting to know his personality, likes/dislikes, etc., the baby is learning all about mom and dad, what they smell like, sound like, look like, feel like. All that time and intimacy builds attachment. Without realizing it, mom, dad, and baby are cycling through the attachment cycle over and over and over again. It's natural in its progression. Everyone expects these activities and the adorably obscene amounts of time new parents spend doing them. We did it too!
This is NOT what our Little Squishes have experienced. They may have experienced some of it in their village and some of it at Hannah's Hope, but they have experienced almost none of it with us...YET! We need time...and lots of it! We need time to hold them, time to feed them, time to bathe them, time to dress them, time to respond to their cries, time to gaze into their eyes and have them gaze into ours, time to play with them, and time to do all those other things that help us run through that cycle with them...over and over and over again. The very best way for us to get this time is to stay home. This is what people refer to when they say "cocooning" in adoption. Cocooning is the time we devote to just being together so that we can form new family bonds...so that we can cycle and cycle and cycle and build healthy attachments. Think of it as an adoption ICU. Our Squishes will be hurting deeply. We need a place to dress their wounds, administer the medication of love and grace, and take time to rest and rehabilitate. And we need to do all of this with dignity, which equates to privacy.
In our busy world, taking time to just stay home and do nothing but attachment rituals will not just happen by itself. We must be intentional about it. So, here's our plan and how you can help.
What we will do:
1. Stay home for as long as it takes for our Squishes to recognize us as mom and dad, not just some other people who feed them and then leave. We expect this to take no less than three months. Once we see the first signs that they recognize us exclusively as mom and dad, we will carefully and slowly take them places, starting with very calm places with not too many people. (Yes, this means we will not be bringing them to church or swim meets for a few months.)
2. Sleep with our Squishes until they sleep peacefully which is a sign that they are no longer afraid we will be gone when they wake up. (Yes, we will be tired. It's worth it.)
3. Be the sole providers of their needs. This means Chris and I will be the only ones feeding them, bathing them, and holding them. This part will require a lot from us and from you because unlike with Joshua, we will not be sharing the load. If we allow other people to feed them, etc., it is likely to cause confusion in our Squishes. We are trying to teach them that mom and dad are the only ones to trust intimately. No one else gets that intimate role. This is crucial! We would rather over-do this than risk the consequences of not getting this one right.
4. Hold them, a lot! This means that I will "wear" Baby Squish for as many hours in a day as I can. (Thank you Tracy Hubbard for loaning me an Ergo. And Thank you Cammi Funk for letting me try your Moby. Ahh...so much has changed for the better since Joshua was a baby.) And I will try to keep Big Squish within 5-10 feet of me all day long. Admittedly, this one will be harder but by staying home, it should be possible.
5. Invite friends over in ones and twos so our Squishes can meet people slowly, gently, and on their own "turf." We are excited about this part and hope you are too.
What you can do:
1. Please don't excessively touch them, hold them, or try to feed them. Instead, try blowing kisses and giving High Fives which are completely appropriate expressions of affection. Of course, this will take a huge amount of self-denial on your part. I know you'll want to hold them -- they are adorable! And of course you'll want to feed them because that would help me and you love me. But, hopefully, by now you can see that by doing these things, you will actually make things harder for me, not help me. I promise, I understand how hard this is and the huge sacrifice you are making when you honor this request. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
2. Please be patient. If you come knocking on our door, don't be surprised if I just stand and talk and don't invite you in.... yet! Give us time to build this attachment, then you can enjoy our Squishes as much as we do.
3. If you are around when one of our Squishes gets hurt or hungry and asks for help, please direct them to us, instead of helping them immediately. By directing them to us, you are joining our efforts in teaching them that we are their intimate providers of all that they need. I will hug you and pray God's blessings upon you if you do this for us.
4. Don't forget us. Voluntary house arrest is going to be hard. But emails, phone calls, and mochas left on our doorstep are miraculous mood boosters.
5. Ask questions. While I respect those couples who want to keep their adoption journey private, we aren't them. We love talking about adoption, our journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. We love our community and want you to be a part of this too....you are already so this is just making it official. Please ask about attachment and cocooning. I promise, we won't get offended easily.
This is the best post I've ever read about cocooning and attachment!!! Great job!! I'm planning to put together a post this week and I'm going to link to this one because it's so so good!!! How wonderful that we're at this stage of the process! :D
ReplyDelete